A man went to his audiologist complaining of hearing loss. The audiologist did an audiogram and said he needed a hearing aid.
‘This is the best hearing aid I am recommending to you. I wear one myself’, says the audiologist.
‘What kind is it?’ asks the man.
‘Is almost five o’ clock now!’ replied the audiologist.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend! an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules…" And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed ! an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags ! and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don’t understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told…
" Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee. .."
A man was giving his son a thrashing on the street and shouting, ‘Good for nothing! Stupid!’
A passerby stopped and asked him the reason for scolding his son. The man replied, ‘Tomorrow his examination result will be out and I won’t be in town so I am scolding him first before I leave.’
Ah Beng bought a sweater and sent it to his son who is studying in UK by parcel post. He added the following note with the parcel: ‘I have removed the metallic buttons as they are too heavy and would add to the postage fee. You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater.’
Wife: I need to buy more dresses.
Husband: But you already have a few hundred dresses.
Wife: I know. But the neighbourhood has seen all of them.
Husband: I think it will be cheaper to move to a new neighbourhood.
Almost everybody is in favour of going to heaven, but many people are hoping they’ll live long enough to see easing of the entrance requirements.
What is the difference between a train and a woman?
Answer: A train makes up after being late but a woman becomes late after make-up
What did the clumsy optician do at a party? He made a spectacle of himself.
What kind of profits do fisherman make? Net Profits
Why is a crossed-eyed teacher not successful in class? Because she can’t control her pupils
Why did the little pony lose his voice? Because he was a little hoarse
What is the language of chickens called? Fowl language
What happened to the cow that could not produce milk? It was an udder failure
A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.
The general maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The colonel said it was 70% work and 20% fun. The major argued that it was 90% work and 10% fun.
They decided to ask the private who came in to serve them coffee.
”Let’s ask him what he thinks?’ said the general.
The private listened attentively and replied with an air of absolute finality, ‘Sir, I think sex is 100% fun and zero work done.’
‘Why do you say that?, asked the astonished general.
‘It’s very simple,’ said the private. ‘ If there was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you.’
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