A man announced to his friend : ‘ I want to run for Prime Minister.’
His astonished friend asked, ‘Are you crazy?’
‘Why?’ the man replied, ‘is that necessary?’
A man asked his friend, ‘I’m throwing a stag party. Why don’t you come along?’
‘Sorry, there is a law against having stag parties,’ replied his friend.
‘What law? I never heard of it.’
‘My mother-in-law!’ replied his friend.
Why is it easier to be a pastor than a physician? Because it is easier to preach than to practise.
A man went to his audiologist complaining of hearing loss. The audiologist did an audiogram and said he needed a hearing aid.
‘This is the best hearing aid I am recommending to you. I wear one myself’, says the audiologist.
‘What kind is it?’ asks the man.
‘Is almost five o’ clock now!’ replied the audiologist.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend! an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules…" And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed ! an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags ! and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don’t understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told…
" Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee. .."
A man was giving his son a thrashing on the street and shouting, ‘Good for nothing! Stupid!’
A passerby stopped and asked him the reason for scolding his son. The man replied, ‘Tomorrow his examination result will be out and I won’t be in town so I am scolding him first before I leave.’
Ah Beng bought a sweater and sent it to his son who is studying in UK by parcel post. He added the following note with the parcel: ‘I have removed the metallic buttons as they are too heavy and would add to the postage fee. You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater.’
Wife: I need to buy more dresses.
Husband: But you already have a few hundred dresses.
Wife: I know. But the neighbourhood has seen all of them.
Husband: I think it will be cheaper to move to a new neighbourhood.
Almost everybody is in favour of going to heaven, but many people are hoping they’ll live long enough to see easing of the entrance requirements.
Recent Comments